Living Through Grief
Words that may help you along your journey.
From Owen:
As the third anniversary of my daughter’s death from a car accident approaches, I still find myself to be less driven generally and with reduced energy and not as connected to all the community projects and issues, as before her death. I still have a passion for life, growth and learning - in part to honour her and to not die with her. On less frequent occasions and for a briefer time than I felt in the first months, I experience flashbacks. As there are few grieving models especially addressed to middle-aged males, definitions of strength and coping are self-learned. I have become more aware of my emotions and see them as genuine means to recovery. Safe sharing with and learning from others, whose situations are different from mine yet connected, are a resource to me. Reading what others have written sometimes makes a connection for me. By saying out loud what I’m feeling to someone or even just to myself, helps take away the negative and death-like cloud prevading my world. (which comes at less frequent stretches of time now than initially.) This grieving, although isolating, is mine and mine alone and I claim it as part of who I am now. It is like as though I lost a specific capacity (ie good hearing) I previously took for granted and now learn to adjust and compensate. My respect of others’ right to cope in the means and timing of their choice has grown, especially with the love of my life. The depth of our relationship has grown and as has my desire to be beside her. Our other two children, I sense, are finding their way back to confidence and choosing to pursue their dreams, yet profoundly affected by their sister’s death. From the familiar scripture Psalm 23 “although I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil”, I’ve chosen to cling to the word “through”. As dark and overwhelming as the grieving can be at times, I believe I will find my way through. The evil that I could fear is myself and those self-destructive or self-defeative behaviors. My strength to press on and thrive comes from the Higher Power of my understanding and a means of treasuring the value my daughter brought to my world. I choose to embrace the pain of this catastrophe as a means of bringing more to the living relationships in my life, while holding fast what time I did have with my daughter. Every morning as I awaken, I confront my reality choosing to seek life (which is more challenging some days than others). The power that isolation could have, I confront and decide to accept what the next day will provide as a means of verifying I’m still alive and learning and part of a family and a community. Owen
Hmm, “I think I feel “normal”! I function well at work and at home with laundry, meals, yardwork etc. I keep in touch with my husband, my children and my extended family. Life seems “normal”. And then June arrives with remembrances of “.com”, graduation, excitement of hopes and dreams. I acknowledge that my “new normal” is good and more comfortable for me now but there still is an ache for my “old normal”.
"You may think you cannot get through this. You can and you will... over time and with the love and support of others, your grief will soften and you will find ways to be happy again. There will come a day when the death is not the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning".
From: Healing Your Traumatized Heart, by Alan D.Wolfelt, PhD.
“In every heart there is an inner room, where we can hold our greatest treasures and our deepest pain.” Marianne Williamson found in “Understanding your Grief” by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.
We are coming up to the second anniversary of Cora’s death. How shall we measure that? Is it two years since we “lost her”? or two years that she has been enjoying heaven? I tend to see it the first way but we have a good friend in Arizona who has experienced the death of loved ones and she keeps calling us to say “If Cora would have the choice, she wouldn’t choose to come back she would choose to stay and wait for us to join her – heaven is that wonderful” So Cora – happy second anniversary of being in heaven – we find measures of peace believing that you are happy. Again we release you to the care of God.
“I did not know how hard it would be to say goodbye. Yet it was harder still, when I refused to say it. While our good-bye is dreadfully painful, it allows us to move past our pain and into healing. If you have not yet said good-bye – write a letter to your loved one. Tell him or her everything, not just the good things – pour your regrets into the letter – read the letter aloud. It helps to make our loss “real” so that we can go forth into our future and treasure the good memories of the past.” Taken from Grieving the Loss of Someone We Love by Raymond Mitsch and Lynn Brookside
Did your children ever read the “Choose Your Own Adventure” books? Our three did and thoroughly enjoyed rereading them making the story different each time. No matter how many times we try to rewrite the story of the death of our loved ones with “What if” or “If only” … it always comes out with the same ending. All we can do now is to continue the story and choose how to carry on – in bitterness of the loss or in thankfulness for having had that person in our story.
"A great fear is that we will "Lose our loved one". Here is a quote given to us by a friend.
"Mourning is an incessant dialogue with the deceased in which the person who has disappeared ultimately becomes more visible through the personal transformation that takes place within yourself" by Lou Andreas Salome
Every year we pause and remember those who served our country, preserving our freedom. It is good to stop, remember and to be thankful. On one or more occasions throughout the year, plan to remember your loved one in a special way with a thankfulness of having had them in your life.
We would say to those who mourn... "Look upon each day that comes as a challenge, as a test of courage. The pain will come in waves, some days worse that others for no apparent reason. Accept the pain. Do not suppress it. Never attempt to hide grief." Daphone du Maurier.
Change of seasons often brings back memories. Take a moment, acknowledge the memory, the hurt of missing that person - recall the joy of having had that experience. Write down or share it with someone and then pick up your life and carry on. | 
