Professional Section

“I don’t want any stranger seeing me when I’m dead”

  I have never experienced any stranger asking to see someone they didn’t know.  We would of course say ‘no’, and ask if we could recommend help for that person asking. 

   However, frequently a family member or a close-close friend finds that part of their individual process of releasing, needs to include some moment with the loved one in their physical presence.  This can come as a surprise so that is why we always provide the opportunity upon request.  This is never imposed but merely offered, when the circumstances calls for it.  For example the picture is typically much more peaceful than the registered picture from the hospital.

“I want to remember them as they were”

  Surely not how they looked in the hospital do I want to remember.  This harsh reality of never seeing someone significant to us ever again is not easily supported by a mindset of denying our own mortality.  Protecting ourselves from the unpredictable, ie ‘I don’t know how I will respond and manage pain is a rational response.  We never know in advance our situation prior to the death of someone significant to us.  

   Too many times I’ve witnessed persons who changed their minds and didn’t hold themselves to a previous position on the matter of viewing, and they expressed appreciation of the opportunity in facing their own process of grieving.  The goal in this time is to have the person look as natural and as much like them as the circumstances will allow.  Therefore we do not impose or aggressively promote, but always make the option available, unless clearly instructed that no option will be provided.

“Why not just dispose of the body as they’re dead and they don’t care now?”

  Regardless of the individual and means of disposition, all persons are bathed and dressed in preparation as a manner of respect of their humanity and ours.  If there are hazardous health risks to the funeral care provider, then additional measures are taken.

  As individuals and community, our treatment of the deceased is one measure of our values for the worth of life and our fellow man.  Our careful, gentle handling and treatment of the body of our loved ones has been a matter of respect for centuries, while the misuse has been condemned over the years.  We practice the belief that each birth, life and death is sacred.

“I’ve been asked to do a eulogy.  What does that include?”

    It’s publicly sharing memories; yours and those you have been asked to share from others.  Naturally the stories speak to who the person has been, and will continue to be in memory.  Some emotion merely indicates you’re connected, which was why you were asked.  A pause, a sip of water, recall of an alternate memory can assist in proceeding.  Eye contact, although initially frightening, can affirm the preciousness of the moment and solidify group connectiveness.  Brief, to the point, with one example of a trait, will likely provide more than a comprehensive retelling of many experiences.  Copulating a life typically provides one, two or three themes to the life lived.  Even if the assembled group loves this person, their attention span is likely less than 20 minutes. 

Personal Section

“How do you not get ‘down’ being around so much sadness?”

   Our work is acknowledging the effect every individual has had as a matter of principle…  the worth of life so to speak.  The clear and open connection you establish quickly and briefly with those charged with the planning and follow through is as emotionally energy-providing.  The reflective insight and unique perspective of those leading the service nourishes the soul.  Although sometimes physically drained due to 24 / 7 / 365 demand, retreats and moments of stilling the mind amidst the storm bring a peace that replenishes.  An alive and growing faith is the source, combined with a typical overly optimistic outlook.

“When you are so much exposed to other people’s losses, how do you deal with your own losses?”

    There are personal moments, unexpected and unplanned, that present themselves, inconveniently, that sap your momentum.  These occurrences bring me face to face with my own losses. Yet these moments are like a gift, a mixed blessing, maintaining the reality of the life lived, missing the voice and their presence, and then moving from slowly from sadness to gratefulness for what I benefit.  Sometimes the moments are brought about because of reminders of similar or casual conversations, contact with a similar personality or circumstance.  Sometimes the sadness goes on for much more than moments, but I share what’s going on in my head with someone safe.  Yet, like a longer time frame of continuing to thrive, grow and learn, these moments or periods of time shape the focus and direction, and the honoring of person remembered by pressing on authentically.

  Yes, I’m affected in some ways physically, someday in that I have less drive and enthusiasm and my face is more wrinkled, but still smiling and soaking in what life brings.